17 days

17 days….

17 days until my 1^st consultation.

I

Cannot

Friggin

Wait!

I am going to my first support group meeting on Wednesday evening. It’s a great start and a great way for me to get accustomed to the specifics of the surgery through my health plan. I feel like I am waiting in line at Disneyland and it seems like it is taking FOOOOOREEEEEEVER. Before I know it I will be on the ride and it will be over faster than I know. I will look back and the wait won’t even be an issue. 

I have started trying to incorporate post-op behaviors into my daily life. This way the transition won’t seem so severe. I have been using smaller plates and bowls, and making sure I am getting enough water in. When I remember, I try to eat my proteins first then the rest.

As much as I want to, I am holding off on buying any post-op supplies as I have heard over and over again that your tastes change. I don’t want to have a bunch of useless protein.

My posts feel sort of boring to me right now… they will get more exciting once I have a surgery date I hope J

Xoxo,

Jess

"Why don't you try....."

Last night I had one of those experiences that I am sure EVERYONE that has WLS goes through. Someone telling you all the ways you could lose weight by NOT having WLS. Because they know better than you right? This is just something we all jump into with no thought because we are just fat and lazy and this is the easy way out. Right?

I really wish people would educate themselves before opening their mouths, but I do not live in a fantasy world.

My step dad, bless his heart, had an hour long conversation at me last night.. I say AT ME because he talked and I sat there and listened. He was explaining to me that people that go on prozac usually lose like 30-40lbs and that people that use CPAP machines usually lose 10-15lbs..  So his suggestion is that I dont get surgery I just go on pills that I don't need and sleep with a machine I also do not need.  

"Why don't you just try something else before you jump into surgery?"

REALLY!?

Have you not been paying attention to me for the last 16 years you have known me?

Lets make a quick list of all the something elses:

• Weight watchers
• Slim Fast
• Cabbage Soup Diet (old school this was when i was like 13-15)
• Nutrisystem
• Trainers at the Gym
• Low Carb
• No Carb
• Advocare
• Diet Pills
• Fasting

and probably more things I am not even thinking of because im all fired up!

Please be supportive.
Please trust that I have done my research.
Please don't try to be a doctor when you are not.
Please do your own research.

END RANT

xoxo,

Jess

Must haves and comforts...

Part of my pre-surgical journey has been digging up as much info as possible to get me prepare for the big day.  In this quest of ultimate surgical knowledge, I have encountered a lot of wonderful tips, products and ideas.  I am going to work on compiling them in this post. I will update it as I go.

Hospital Must- Haves:

• Pillow with your own cozy pillowcase
• Gas-X strips
• Toothbrush/paste
• Shampoo/Conditioner
• Clean undies
• Chap stick
• Lotion
• Phone/Tablet
• Mouth wash
• Slippers with grippers
• Abdominal Binder- I have only seen one person mention this but I would imagine it will be a friggin life saver

!

• Loose clothes
• Phone charger!

Pre/Post-op Must- Haves:

• Cup warmer (GENIUS! for those times you are eating something warm and don't want it to be cold by the time you finish)

• Powdered milk... for those liquid diet days when clear broth gets boring and you want something "creamy"
• Yonanas machine. It takes plain, frozen fruit and turns it into a frozen treat!

• How about Unjury's 21g of protein CHEESE SAUCE?! What fat kid doesn't like them some cheese sauce... mix this with some spaghetti squash and its healthy mac.

• Sippy cup/ Tervis cup!
• Baby spoons
• Baby plates
• Pill box for vitamins

Those are my best ones so far. I will add more as I find them!

xoxo,

Jess

The Struggle

I saw this meme on Facebook recently, and it reminded me of growing up. I have frequently had hot dogs or hamburgers with no buns, so we used bread. It didn't bother me, but it got me thinking about other struggles that people don't realize.

You don't know the struggle until:

• you cant sleep at night because your limbs start to fall asleep or hurt because your own body is crushing them
• you can only fit into leggings/stretch pants because even your fat work pants wont fit anymore
• you can't buy wide calf boots because even those won't fit around your legs
• you don't go shopping with you sisters because you can't shop at the same stores
• your XXL underwear fall off your ass all day because your front-butt gets in the way
• you sit at an angle in the car because your stomach gets in the way of the steering wheel otherwise
• you take the elevator vs. stairs at work because you don't want to be sweating and out of breath for the meeting
• you can't go to the gym because somehow your XXL gym clothes no longer fit
• you can't put your socks and shoes on
• you can't cut  (don't even think about paint) your own toe nails. 

the list goes on...

I found this tattoo a while ago, and I decided it would be a great post-weight loss tattoo. "without struggle there is no progress" It speaks to me on many levels. I have fought hard throughout my life to be successful, so that I didn't have to choose between sandwich bread and hot dog buns in the grocery story (although I should just really avoid carbs... and hot dogs to be honest). The struggle of being overweight is what drives me to want a change. Need a change. A lot of people in my life think this decision to get weight-loss surgery is one of vanity. Sure, I want to look good, but more than that I want to FEEL good. I want to be comfortable in my own body and know that I am doing what is best for ME. 

xoxo, 

Jess

It doesn't hurt to ask ... "They" say

I have always been taught "It doesn't hurt to ask." However, I do not normally live by that idiom. I usually don't ask for one reason or another. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to be that girl.  I just don't like to cause others extra work on my account. Maybe that resonates somewhere deeper inside of me because I think I am unworthy of extra work? What makes me so special that I should ask for someone else to go out of their way for me?

Well, yesterday I decided that I did not like the scheduler's answer. I did not like having to wait THREE MONTHS for an intake appointment. Especially knowing that I would have two months of work proceeding that appointment before surgery. So, I did something that I don't normally do. I called the bariatric nurse. I left a message and I told her I didn't like the fact I was on a waiting list for June. I told her I know what I want and its important to me to get in sooner. I was kind and just asked.

Today, I got an email from her stating her apologies for the mishap with her schedule. She had a cancellation and asked if I wanted it.  When is this cancellation you ask.... APRIL 17th!  WONDERFUL! Yes, I will take it. I am extremely grateful. 4 weeks.. HECK YES!  Things are looking up again. Sometimes I just have to behave like I matter and good things happen.

xoxo,

Jess

OMG YES YES YES!!

APPROVAL APPROVAL!!! I GOT APPROVAL!!!!

I just received the email from my PCP letting me know that I got approval from the bariatric case manager!!! YAY!!!

Now things can begin on the road to surgery!

SO HAPPY!!!!





Update:

Super anticlimactic, I called the bariatric center to schedule my 30 min phone intake and now I am on a waiting list for JUNE. NOT what I wanted to hear... 3 months before I can start the 2+ month process. uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Monday, Monday!

I had a delightfully uneventful weekend. Rest was much needed after the shock of daylight savings time. Can't remember the last time I felt so depleted. I didn't even get out of my PJs on Sunday. I did do my food prep for all my lunches for the week, so that made me feel good. I am still working on getting my routines down in the new house.

Still waiting to hear anything from my health plan. The longer I wait the more I learn, so I suppose there are worst things in the world. I thought I was leaning towards the band but now I am really thinking its going to be the sleeve for me. I even watched the surgeries being performed on YouTube. If you don't have an aversion to blood/surgical stuff, you should check it out. Very interesting to see exactly what happens. Helped me to better understand some of the pain and discomfort that I hear post-op people talking about.

On the recommendation of Cheri, I read this book over the weekend. "Stranger here: How weight-loss surgery transformed my body and messed with my head" by Jen Laren. I got it on Audible.com. It was VERY fun to listen to. The lady who does the reading does a really good job of expressing the characters. I found the book to give a good "insider" version of WLS and the full scope of changes.. mind, body, relationships, careers, ALL of it. She doesn't hold anything back. The one thing about this book that had me raising an eyebrow is it doesn't seem like she worked out much to get such huge weight loss results. I am not sure if that's just something she doesn't talk about much in the book or what.  Good book, you should check it out if you haven't.  If you are like me and can't sit still long enough to read a real book, audible has it!



Hope everyone has a lovely Monday.

xoxo,

Jess

To Sleeve or Band.. That is the question!

Sooooooooooooooo

This quest for a healthy Jessica has lead to LOTS of reading. LOTS of it. I thought that I wanted the band, but now I am starting to consider the sleeve. I have not started talking to the bariatric team yet as I am still awaiting the approval. I would like some feedback from anyone who happens to read this and has some insight they would care to share.

Ready
.
..
...
....
Set
.
..
...
....
COMMENT!

BAMF

Alright, this will be a shorty. I have not used the term BAMF in a long time, so that's kinda fun.  I was told yesterday to listen to this new song "Turn Down For What" by DJ Snake and Lil Jon. It makes me feel like a BAMF. I noticed as I was walking into work (my parking spot is a 20 minute walk to my building...picked it on purpose) that I was walking with swagger. I don't normally use me and "swag" in a sentence, but today that is the only appropriate term I can come up with for my walking.

I'm still waiting to find out if I got approval from the bariatric case manager. Hate waiting. No patience. Well some.. just not for things I am excited about. I don't know if excited is the right word... maybe motivated or driven. I am just ready to start working on a healthier me and I want to know if am accepted into the program or not.

Anywhooosie, I hope everyone is having a nice day.

xoxo,

Jess

Hindsight...

A year ago, I was frustrated that I was at 246lbs. I had lost 26lbs, but couldn't get the scale moving at a rate I thought was appropriate for my size or effort.

So what does this girl do?

EFF it all! Gain 50lbs.

It wasn't on purpose, but it happened because I let it. Now I wish I could be that frustrated girl sitting at 246lbs. I would tell her "Don't give up. You've got this. FIGHT THROUGH IT"

Where was I when I needed me before? Please remind me of this when it happens again. Because it will happen. Over and Over again. I will hit walls and hurdles and think I CANNOT do this, because I never have. Truth is, I can do this. Many others have before me, and many others will after. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants and a reminder that I can.

Blerrrggghhh

I made a mistake...

I let myself get HUNGRY.  Like really hungry make bad choices hungry.  I bought these meals at Safeway this morning for lunches for myself and boyfriend.  They are family size meals. I just ate the WHOLE mac and cheese container. Nothing like a 1560 calorie snack right?

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

WHY?!

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?!?!?!

I knew when I was heating it up that it was a BAD idea.  

and

i

did

it

anyways.

Right now, I think I am in the same mindset that I was when I thought I was going to make it on the TV show The Biggest Loser. I can eat whatever I want because I am going to lose it all when I make it on the show... then I don't make it on the show, but I have gained a bunch of weight.  I am a super self-saboteur.

I have decided I want to get the lap band, so why bother eating healthy now? why bother with smaller portions? lets just gorge myself while I can.

I am not going to let my bad lunch dictate the rest of my day. Salad for dinner. Gotta get back on track.
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One MEAL at a time.

Sunday Funday

I woke up this morning to the most beautiful cotton candy sky and view of Mt. Rainer. There's nothing better than starting my day with such a wonderful view.

I very recently moved with my boyfriend to my mom and step dad's house. We bought an RV trailer and I remodeled the inside to make it into a little apartment.  To most people this sounds crazy or white trash or just plain bad, but I am finding that I love our tiny home. It's ours 100% and that makes me so happy. This also gives us the gift of time to save money. Most people are not given such a gift,  and I am blessed to have been.

This opportunity makes it possible for me to start the process with my insurance to look into getting my lap band. I am still not sure what the costs will be. My insurance company has a very specific process and I have to be approved for the surgery by a case manager before they will let me know what the costs will be. I suppose this gives a person the chance to really decide based on health and not financials. Either way, my decision has been made and come what may for the rest of it.

I anticipate that my father will be the hardest person to convince this is the right decision.  I am 27, so I don't need his approval to get it done, but he is still my dad so it weighs on me. I was at his house yesterday and thought about telling him a few times, but I chickened out. Conflict is not one of my strong suits. I don't like to fight and I really don't like to disappoint my parents. My being overweight has always been a disappointment to my dad though.  He wouldn't put it in those words but like they say actions speak louder than  words.

Maybe once I get the approval from the case manager and some more information I will tell him... I'm undecided. Maybe I just get the procedure done and not tell him until I see it's working.  My mom and step dad know. My grandparents know. My boyfriend knows. They support me. My grandparents support me most,  but that has pretty much always been true. I am not ashamed of my decision,  but I do not want to deal with a lot of negativity either. Is this something that most people go through? 

Well, today I am going to be nesting in my tiny house.  Organization is key! Happy Sunday Funday and thanks for reading.

Here we go!

So, Lets start from the top.

Hi, My name is Jessica. I am 27 years old from.. to make it easy lets just say Seattle.  No one really knows where Sumner or Pacific are, so Seattle! I work at the University of Washington in an administrative job (which means I am sitting at a desk most of the day.. whomp whomp whomp).

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have always been the fat girl with a pretty face.  That fact has not held be back from a lot of things. At least not that I have really noticed until recently. I have had boyfriends, friendships, traveled and etc. I try not to let it get into my way.  As of late, my weight has SKYROCKETED! I used to "top out" at about 250lbs get on a diet and start moving more and I could drop 20-30lbs fairly easily.  This is no longer the case for me. This morning I weighed in at a crushing 291.8lbs. That officially an all time high. One that I am not proud of, it is just fact.  I have been doing weight watchers for 3 months and have not lost a pound, in fact I have gained 3lbs.

The idea of weight loss surgery has always scared me, and I have been opposed to the idea.  Recently, I have been rethinking.  The idea of being morbidly obese scares me much more than the weight loss surgery.  I know I am going to encounter a lot of "haters" with this decision.  Unfortunately, a lot of those will be my family. People always want to tell me why I don't need to worry but here are a few reasons why I do:

• Diabetes
• Heart Disease
• High Blood Pressure
• Stroke
• Sleep Apnea
• Not to mention these photos:

I am not hating on myself by any means. I just want to accept the fact there is a problem and I need to fix it. 

I spoke to my doctor last night, he agrees that I have thought about this decision thoroughly and is referring me to the bariatric case manager. If I get approved by the case manager then I can start the months for pre-op work that is required. I will update this as soon as I know anything. 

LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!  And may the odds be ever in my favor?