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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Self Destructive State of Mind

I am in this place of total self destruction.

Hooray for me, I have been to the gym the past three days. I feel good about that.


I am on this continual food funeral cycle. Like for instance, Soda... I don't care much for it, but now that I have it in my mind that I should not/cannot have it after I am sleeved now I want it? Terrible.

I went to all you can eat sushi this weekend with my mom and ate to the point of pain... because I think I can never have sushi again? Because I can never have that MUCH sushi at one time again? Why?

Today I am having chips.... I haven't had them in a long time and I usually don't have them, but somewhere in the back of my mind I think I want to eat all the crap I can until I see the nutritionist and figure out what they want me to do......

Like I don't already know?! With as much research on blogs and vlogs and everything else I am preeeettttty sure I already know what to expect.

Last night, right before bed aka the worst time ever to weight yourself... I weighed myself. the highest number I have ever seen my scale spit back at me: 300.2

WELP! There it is. 300.

(this morning it was back down to 296)

I just don't like where my head is at... half healthy and half ... grieving? I guess that must be it.

I LOVE food. I love it. All of it. I will try anything and everything. Part of me is sad that food won't be such a centralized thing in my life and part of me is grateful. I need to reshape my relationship with food without a doubt, but I don't know any other way of life.

Will be interesting to look back this after I am post-op and reflect.