I am in this place of total self destruction.
Hooray for me, I have been to the gym the past three days. I feel good about that.
BUT
I am on this continual food funeral cycle. Like for instance, Soda... I don't care much for it, but now that I have it in my mind that I should not/cannot have it after I am sleeved now I want it? Terrible.
I went to all you can eat sushi this weekend with my mom and ate to the point of pain... because I think I can never have sushi again? Because I can never have that MUCH sushi at one time again? Why?
Today I am having chips.... I haven't had them in a long time and I usually don't have them, but somewhere in the back of my mind I think I want to eat all the crap I can until I see the nutritionist and figure out what they want me to do......
Like I don't already know?! With as much research on blogs and vlogs and everything else I am preeeettttty sure I already know what to expect.
Last night, right before bed aka the worst time ever to weight yourself... I weighed myself. the highest number I have ever seen my scale spit back at me: 300.2
WELP! There it is. 300.
(this morning it was back down to 296)
I just don't like where my head is at... half healthy and half ... grieving? I guess that must be it.
I LOVE food. I love it. All of it. I will try anything and everything. Part of me is sad that food won't be such a centralized thing in my life and part of me is grateful. I need to reshape my relationship with food without a doubt, but I don't know any other way of life.
Will be interesting to look back this after I am post-op and reflect.
xoxo,
Jess
Ugh, girl, I battle with the same things sometimes. Unfortunately, I don't think it will get that much better after surgery (this is my personal opinion, of course). Maybe you should take some baby steps, like limit your soda intake instead of trying to go cold turkey. Or promise yourself a certain calorie limit (that is what I'm doing) and don't go over it... and if you do, there is always the next day. It's hard for me right now because I'm pre-op and I feel hungry sometimes, like after work. I just know that I need to leave work immediately, come home, have a shake, and then it will be better. Or, I can be like yesterday and eat a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we make bad choices, but there is always the next meal and the next day. I try to plan my meals a lot so I know what I will eat for that day, especially on the weekends when I don't have that "structure" of work and break times.
I suggest baby steps :) (in conclusion)
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.
DeleteI feel like some days I am on track and other days or really just meals I go buck wild. Not really crazy but just eating things I know I shouldn’t.
One meal at a time
I dunno if you will even want to drink soda once your sleeved....carbonation really hurts :-/
ReplyDeleteIts funny because i dont even really want it now. It looks sorta good for a minute then i taste it and I'm like nahhhh I'd rather have water... but I opened the can so I better finish it.
DeleteI have so been there. Just manage it the best you can. I gained 20 pounds from the time I decided on surgery to the day I started my pre-op diet. I think it is almost instinctive in some of us. Pre-surgery and post-surgery are very different, just keep fighting!
ReplyDelete4 days in a row back at the gym. I feel good. It really is a natural anti-depressant.
DeleteBrought my yogurt and some chicken today for lunchy.. this will keep me from going out to eat :) Small things.
Oh my god, Jess. I can totally relate. I did the Farewell to Food Tour 2013. It was non-stop. It was epic. It was totally out of control.
ReplyDeleteTry not to feel guilty. When you are post op, you will look back on this and smile, I promise.
I think you are totally right Julie! I just feel like I am going to push my reaching goal date back by continuing to be off the rails.
DeleteSomething about knowing my stomach is going to be so small in the future makes it feel SOOO big right now. I feel like I have so much to fill that I keep filling it and ugh...
Next week is my first consultation. It cannot come soon enough!!
xoxoxo!!!